how honest is too honest when writing a letter to your husband who hurt you?

Here's another way to look at it: maybe the question isn't 'how raw' but 'raw for whose benefit?' Getting every ugly petty thought out of your head and onto paper is genuinely useful, but that doesn't mean he needs to read all of it. Those two purposes get confused a lot. Write the furious, unfiltered version first, just for you. Then ask of each line: does this help him understand my hurt, or does it just help me win the argument he's not even in the room for? Cut the second kind. I'd also gently push back on 'not water it down so much it doesn't mean anything' — specificity is what carries weight, not intensity. One clear, concrete example lands harder than five scathing ones. You can be honest and still be choosing what to include on purpose.

The letters that land are honest about the hurt, not the venting. Include what happened, how it actually affected you, and what you need going forward. Leave out the petty side thoughts, the score-keeping, the lines that exist to wound him back — those feel true in the moment but they're not the point, and they give him an easy reason to get defensive instead of listen. A good test: if a line is there to make him feel bad rather than to help him understand, cut it. You can still be direct. "It hurt when you did X, and I've felt distant since" is raw and honest without being an attack. Read it back and ask if it sounds like you're inviting him in or trying to win. Aim for the first one.