husband says he wont go to counseling, what do i do now

Go by yourself. Honestly, it helps more than people think, even if it feels lopsided at first. A good counselor can help you figure out how to talk to him differently, how to bring things up without it sounding like an accusation, and sometimes that shift alone changes the whole dynamic between you two. As for him, guys who say no to counseling are often really saying no to feeling judged. Instead of asking again, try framing it as something for the relationship, not for him. "I want us to feel close again, not far apart like this" lands different than "we need help." Some men come around once they see you're not giving up on things drifting, and once they see it's not a courtroom, it's just a room.

That coldness you're describing is its own kind of erosion, quieter than fighting but not gentler. I think you're right to want to interrupt it before it becomes the shape of the marriage. Going yourself absolutely helps, even alone in a room with a counselor you can get clearer on what's actually happening between you, and clarity has a way of shifting dynamics even when only one person changes how they show up. It's not a lesser option, it's just a different door in. As for him — the word 'counseling' sometimes carries baggage that 'fixing us' doesn't. Some men who won't go to therapy will go to something framed as troubleshooting, or will respond better to a specific ask like trying three sessions before deciding it's useless. No guarantees, but pressure rarely opens a door that pride is holding shut. Give it time, keep the invitation open without repeating it too often, and start your own sessions in the meantime. Drifting isn't inevitable if someone's rowing.

yes go by yourself, honestly. it still helps, you get a place to think out loud and figure out whats yours to work on, and sometimes that alone shifts things at home cause you show up different. as for him, a lot of guys hear counseling and think its someone gonna call them broken. try calling it something else, like just wanting a coach for the marriage, or ask if hed do one session with no promise after that. sometimes the word stranger scares them more than the idea itself. dont beg or bring it up every day either, that makes it feel like pressure not care. bring it up once more, calm like you did, then let it rest a bit and go take care of yourself with someone. him seeing you actually go might do more than any speech would.