how do i stop feeling like the only one who notices what needs doing?

Concrete version: sit down once, list the recurring invisible jobs (appointments, groceries, gifts, bills, school stuff), and split them by whole domain, not task. Then his domains are HIS to track. The goal is you deleting a category from your brain entirely, not delegating tasks one at a time.

That's the mental load and you're right to be worn out by it — "just ask me" quietly makes you the manager forever. The fix isn't a better chore chart, it's handing over whole categories, noticing included. "You own his side of the family's birthdays and gifts" means the remembering is his now too. It's clunky at first because he'll miss things. Let him miss them. That's how it transfers.

i think the noticing is the actual labor, and it's invisible in a way that makes it hard to even name to him without sounding like you're nagging about nothing. what's helped others i've talked to is stopping the request-and-execute pattern entirely for a while. instead of asking him to do the specific task, hand him a whole domain - all birthday gifts, or all household supplies - and let him fail at it a little. let the soap run out on his watch. resist rescuing it. it feels harder before it feels easier, because you're used to the smoothness that comes from you covering the gaps. the goal isn't punishment, it's exposure - he needs to feel the mental weight of tracking something, not just the physical task of buying it. it usually takes a real conversation too, naming that the invisible list is its own job. most men aren't dodging it maliciously, they genuinely don't see the list exists until they're forced to hold it themselves.