Parenting TogetherJul 3, 2026
How do I stop resenting my husband after having kids?
Asked by sleepy_soul_61
Two under three, and I love him, but lately I look at him and feel annoyed. He'll ask "what can I do to help?" and I want to scream that I shouldn't have to hand him a list. He's not a bad dad at all. I just feel like I'm carrying the whole invisible load and slowly turning into someone I don't like. Has anyone climbed out of this?
3 answers
most helpful firstclimbed out of exactly this and the first thing that helped was realizing the resentment wasn't really about the dishes, it was about feeling alone in it. "what can i do to help" makes you the boss of the house. we switched to him OWNING bedtime and mornings start to finish, no check-ins from me. i had to bite my tongue when he did it differently but having whole blocks that were just his gave me my brain back
the tongue-biting part is so real and so worth it. if you correct how he does it he learns to wait for instructions again. let it be his, even if it's not your way
Say the words out loud, kindly but plainly: "I don't want to be the manager of this house. I want a partner who carries half the thinking, not half the tasks I assign." A lot of good husbands genuinely don't see the invisible load until it's named. Give him a real shot at it before you decide he can't.
yeah this. my wife had to spell it out for me like three times before it actually clicked - i kept hearing "help more" when she was saying "think ahead more." those are different skills. i wasn't lazy, i was just never running the mental spreadsheet. give him the real shot, and expect some clumsy first attempts.
Just want to say — the fact that you can still see he's a good dad while you're this depleted says a lot about you. Be as gentle with yourself as this thread is being. You're not turning into someone you don't like; you're exhausted and unseen, and those are fixable. Glad you asked here.
yes to all this. also can we normalize that resentment isn't proof you married the wrong guy, it's usually proof you're running on empty and nobody's noticed. i had to literally say out loud "i need to be seen" bc i was expecting him to psychically know. felt dumb saying it, helped anyway.
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