How do I get my husband to see he's missing our kids growing up?

Try switching the frame from what he's missing to what you're actually asking for, since that's usually what gets a defensive reaction instead of a real one. "You're missing out" sounds like judgment, even said gently, and he'll hear it as an attack on his provider role. Instead, get concrete: "I need you home for dinner three nights a week" or "I can't keep doing every weekend solo, can we look at the calendar together." Also worth asking, privately to yourself first, what this pace is actually about for him. Sometimes it's genuine necessity, sometimes it's proving something to his own father, sometimes it's easier than being present for the harder parts of family life. That answer changes the conversation. Pick one low-stakes moment, not after a long day, and lead with the specific ask, not the grief. The grief is real, but it'll land better once he's already said yes to something concrete.

maybe try saying it without the word 'missing' in it at all, since that word tends to make people defensive fast, like they have to justify themselves. instead try something small and specific. "emma asked why you weren't at her game again" lands different than "you're never here." one is a fact, the other feels like an accusation, even if it's true. also pick a calm moment, not after a long day, not in front of the kids. tell him you're not trying to fight, you're trying to figure this out together because you're tired and lonely doing it solo. and ask what's driving the hours. sometimes it's fear about money, sometimes it's avoidance of something at home, sometimes it's just habit nobody questioned. you can't fix what you don't understand. if it still doesn't move, a counselor might help say what you can't seem to get across alone.

Skip the soft opener, it usually gets heard as nagging and dismissed. Instead pick a calm moment, not at 8pm when he's wrecked and you're wrecked, and say something concrete: "I'm not okay carrying this alone anymore, and the kids are noticing you're not around. I need us to problem-solve this together, not just hear that you're sorry." Bring specifics, not feelings alone: name a swim meet he missed, a bedtime routine that's now just you. Vague hurt is easy to brush off, specifics aren't. Ask what's driving the hours too, sometimes it's fear about money or proving himself, not blindness to the cost. Then ask for one changeable thing, not a full life overhaul, something like one weeknight dinner protected or Saturday mornings his. Small wins build trust that this isn't a losing battle for him. If he keeps deflecting once he actually knows the cost, that's worth a counselor's help, not just more of you saying it louder.